Part 21

The 8-Shaded Rainbow –Part 21

AlEx aNd cHeLsEa

I have had a bit too much in hand over the weekend.  BBQ party over Dylan’s which lasted until 2:30am; the next day, steam sauna, hot tubbing and swimming with Reiley (a common friend of Jeff and mine) – which turned out to be a total bliss; we finished the “day of self -treat” by sitting in a buffet restaurant showcasing a delectable array of oriental foods which was Disneyland to my eyes!  Later that same day, I was so surprised and happy to see Jeff in Loraine’s and Matt’s place!  I stayed put to giggle around with him till 1:30am; so much so that the next day, no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t lift my body an inch up off my bed.  Well no, that wasn’t all there is why I was a zombie the following day - when Matt and the rest of the gang drove me home, I stayed up until 5am chatting online with Chelsea.

Childhood sweethearts, partners in crime, best of friends, husband and wife, mom and dad.  All these and more rolled into one – that is how Alex and Chelsea used to be.  During the BBQ party, I asked Alex how things are going between him and his wife; his answer wasn’t that much different from when I talked to him at the clinic when I tagged along with them on Loraine’s check-up.  Well, not so different but there sure is a hint of it.  It wasn’t as sour as it used to sound.  In fact, Alex’s words seem “hopeful” to me.  They texted over the last few days, he said, which is a milestone considering how much trouble has been going on between them.  That same night, I asked Alex if I can be friends with his wife over this social networking site online and Alex readily said yes.  And so I did.

Chelsea turned out to be a sweetheart.  Like me and Loraine, she is such a bubbly and jolly person herself - jolly being an understatement considering how difficult this time could possibly be for her.  She is tough and funny, laughing with me as soon as she accepted my invitation to be friends.  She wasn’t covering up the hatred in her heart but she has her own way of dealing with it with so much grace.  She was so transparent and I truly admire her for that.  When she accepted my invitation she told me, she thought I was Alex’s new/another girlfriend trying to get contact with her and then set the bomb off.  Apparently, that was what Jaz did to her some few months back.  Oh, how I feel so much for Chelsea.  What is so remarkable about this woman is how she managed to retain and hold on to her feelings towards Alex.  As we talk, I sincerely could feel that Chelsea still, unquestionably, loves Alex to pieces.  She keeps telling me to look after him but not to tell him that she told me to do so.  The pain is there, that’s right.  But love is overflowing so that the amount of sorrow is overshadowed and true love radiates and shines like it’s the only thing that matters after all.  Somewhere between the lines, I can’t help but think back about the olden days – when I have to go through almost identical situation as this.  I cannot possibly put into words the amount of pain I felt those days; and unlike Chelsea, I totally gave up on my man.  Looking back, I am so ashamed to realize how much of a coward I was.  Chelsea went through the same heartache and for the same reason three times, and here she is, shouting to the world how she still loves Alex.  I went through it one time, and I gave up in a snap.  When Chelsea cried in the middle of our conversation, I cried silently but harder at my end for two reasons: one, I am overwhelmed with the strength and courage and so much love in Chelsea’s being; and two, I regret the bad decisions I have made in my own time.  For the first time, I was able to muster the courage to utter the word “regret” as I was only in ardent denial all these years whether or not I am regretful of my prior convictions.  I can’t help but ask myself if I indeed had truly and deeply loved Marcus; why it seemed to be so easy for me to give him up – “easy” now I’d say after I witnessed how Chelsea holds on to her feelings towards Alex, inspite of and despite of.

To sigh is what I could only do right now and a little wishful thinking.  

Anyway, how I wish I could tell Alex how very well loved he is by Chelsea – the woman who writes and signs “excuse letters” for him when he skips classes in high school so that he won’t get into trouble with his parents; the woman he calls “Mata (eyes)” because she has distinct big-rounded eyes; the woman who nurtures their only child; the woman who takes everything in, in the name of love; the woman who stood by him despite of being a battered wife; the woman who will understand him when the world refuses to do so; the woman who, amidst all these problems, still thinks of Alex’s being above all; the only woman who will love Alex the way only her can do –   But I cannot.  I couldn’t betray Chelsea. She swore me in not to tell Alex a thing about our conversation.  I readily said yes.   

Though she confessed how much she is missing him, and how much she loves him from day one until after three times of his cheating and betrayal, she simply couldn’t just blurt it out to Alex.  She has to keep it to herself somehow because right now, and I totally agree, Alex doesn’t deserve to know how much she still adores him.  The truth, so sweet and tempting is better left off sitting in a sealed jar.

I was in the verge of hyperventilating again.  Luckily, I was able to grab my bottle of water in time.  When I get to gather myself together, I almost made a vow to find Marcus in my heart once again.  Almost – but I realized, that would be sprinting in a haste; still, I couldn’t find the exact place in my heart where Marcus used to be.  It has been hazy after all these years; I have yet to wait for a little bit more time, I decided.  And maybe, just maybe, I might find that special spot again.  If unfortunately I would not, at least, the next time I fall in love, I would be more giving, more forgiving, and more generous – after all, I realized, that is how we are supposed to give love – unconditionally, unselfishly.

There has been a lot more stories during the entire course of the weekend – the budding friendship I somehow found amongst my newly-met fellows.  I will be sharing them with you over the next few days.

Meantime, here’s a teaser:  Remember Dylan?  The guy who acts like to be gay to me? That guy who impregnated his girlfriend?  Well, he told me that his girlfriend, who is now the mother of his child, is actually married to another guy – legally.  Also, Dylan said, his mom doesn’t approve of his girlfriend to start with, how much more when she learns that his girlfriend is legally married to someone else? He is in despair.

Oh well, I shall see you over here again soon.