Vibrant and Pale

The 8-Shaded Rainbow –Part 22

ViBrAnt and pALe

I vowed to sleep right after work is done.  A few hours before I’m off, I already was fancying about how I would sleep so dreamily with all my time in the world.  I thought I deserve it.  I thought I have earned it.  Alas!  At about 3 o’clock in the afternoon, I’m done.  Sweet!  I took the biggest bite of anticipation but, I wrinkled my nose at the sour, spoiled moment – work calls for an over time...Darn it! So what do you expect from me?  Of course I was cranky the whole time.  I can’t help the rush of teenage rage surging up my bloodstream like I was deprived to attend a ball when I already planned how my night would go in detail and all my friends are going to be there except me!  No Fair!!!  I grunted and mumbled like it would help.  No, it didn’t!  Patience Jessie... patience. Inhale...Exhale.

So I worked till 8:30pm, meaning I worked for 15hours!  Oh wait, really?  15 hours only?  That wasn’t so bad then.  Last week, I worked for 17hours straight! Hmmmm... Okay then, I feel better now.  But not really, I was very sleepy in no time that I left 3 applications and 4 websites open on my computer – I couldn’t care less!  After a while, the sound of message alerts popping like it does with the popcorn in the microwave oven, sounded exactly like raindrops on my windowsill which actually made me snuggle some more with all three pillows in my arms. A good one whole hour!  It lasted for only an hour?  I awoke at the screaming of the pop-up windows and that was the end of my dreamland journey for the day.

 

Alex was online and we chatted for the first time.  He seems to be baring his soul to me – which actually is flattering considering how so young our friendship is.  He asked me if I am friends with Chelsea now – his wife.  I said yes.  And just like that, Alex didn’t waste any more time.  He fired questions like only a very curious bright kid does. For a moment, I almost have had a vivid picture of his face, like that of a young boy on his first visit ever to Toys ‘R Us – eyes sparkling, knees shaking, head spinning and arms stretched as only a 4 year old kid can.  Of course I disappointed him!  Man, I simply couldn’t turn my back from Chelsea.  I swore in to her that I will not say a thing to Alex, remember?  I mean to keep my words no matter what.  No matter what that is, except when Alex begged to please just give him a hint.  He asked what Chelsea has to say about him.  I said nothing.  One last try, one more push, he asked whether it is something good or bad.  GOOD, I said.  And that’s the first and last affirmation I could possibly spill.  Only that, but Alex reached cloud 9 just the same.  He could have been bouncing up and down on his bed, as if he hit the lottery jackpot all by himself, I could only imagine.

So there it goes – the revelation of Alex’s softer side.  He could be the perfect definition of a bad ass, self-centered, chauvinist of today, but Alex, deep down his heart has the perfect alter ego of a modern-day Romeo – too tough and rough on the outside, marshmallow and fondue in the inside.  Too greedy to take all, too scared to give – too scared to show his real feelings.  Alex actually thanked me million times for being his window to the most beautiful panorama he only wish to lay his eyes on after all – Chelsea.  We ended up our conversation with him telling me to please tell Chelsea that he loves her and he is missing her so much.  

Now, as if in the perfect conspiracy of the stars up above, right after Alex and I finished chatting, Chelsea was online like, two seconds later.  He buzzed in and there goes my complete 8-hour sleep, right through the waste bin!  I told her right away that I just finished talking to “Her Alex,” as she dearly calls him.  She was delighted, I can tell.  But she already mastered this act – even to me, Chelsea is elusive when it comes to his real feelings for her husband; and while Chelsea and I were chatting, Alex texted Chelsea to ask how she is.  I almost fell on my bedside.  For a couple of seconds, I thought Alex would turn me in and tell Chelsea I have broken my promise to her not to tell him of anything we talked about on prior chats.  Thank goodness nothing like that came up.

So, it’s Chelsea this time.  She asked me over three times how Alex is, to which I answered the same – the last time I saw him, I said, he is okay but quite restless.  And I mean anxious – he couldn’t figure out where exactly to go.  He doesn’t have a clear mind set as to what to deal with first; he is helpless, hopeless; he is going through an ugly dilemma – of self-denial and construed decisions; he doesn’t want to lose the battle but he knows in his heart that somehow, he has been the loser long since.  It is only now that he confided how much she appreciated Chelsea’s presence in his life; how he is so lucky to have come across with such an incredible lady; how he is so stupid to have hurt Chelsea for the nth time; how he is so frustrated not having any more options and means to win her back; how he is so regretful thinking this might be the last time and he deliberately blew it just the same.

Chelsea, while I was narrating all these to her, was sighing endlessly.  She is scared – afraid to listen, afraid to believe;  She couldn’t understand the fact that through all the years of her marriage to Alex, he never really showed her affection; and how in the world could that ever be possible, she said, when with all the affairs he have had, he was extra passionate?  I got her point.  In fact, I totally understood.  In my mind however, that could be the Alex of the past – the rebel, the bad guy.  And as was believed, guys, for most of the times, aren’t really smart enough to recognize and acknowledge certain things that are of great importance – not until they lost it; not until they are in the verge of losing it; or worse, not until they are very ill and dying.

I shared with Chelsea something I have learned when I myself turned away from my marriage.  A very kind woman once told me, there’s only one great secret to a lasting marriage – the woman works the hardest.  Maybe not always the money maker of the household, but the strongest pillar there is.  She should be the one boosting the morale of her husband; she should be the one telling the world about the greatness of her husband; she should be the proudest when he is up there; she should be the warrior to fight and protect him in his despair; and she should also be the one who will keep his secrets and weaknesses to her grave; she should succumb to all the pain; she should hold the sorrow deep down her heart not matter what the circumstances are, like the soldier guarding the treasure chest.  That’s hard work – that’s the wife’s call.

In my own journey, I have learned that each of us, in our lifetime, there is one person we should carry on through – that person is somebody given to us, to shepherd on, to look after for, and to take the cross for.  For one thing, this person will obviously bring nothing but just “burden” – plain and simple.  Burden all throughout.  It is our mission.  The key is, not to give up on that person no matter how hard it is; carry him to your arms no matter how heavy the load might be; shower him with so much love especially when he is going astray; embrace him with all your heart even if he pushes you away.  If you chose to give up, your mission has failed.

I myself failed.  I could only wish for a longer time to try again.  This is my prayer for Chelsea as well.

 

 

Part 21

The 8-Shaded Rainbow –Part 21

AlEx aNd cHeLsEa

I have had a bit too much in hand over the weekend.  BBQ party over Dylan’s which lasted until 2:30am; the next day, steam sauna, hot tubbing and swimming with Reiley (a common friend of Jeff and mine) – which turned out to be a total bliss; we finished the “day of self -treat” by sitting in a buffet restaurant showcasing a delectable array of oriental foods which was Disneyland to my eyes!  Later that same day, I was so surprised and happy to see Jeff in Loraine’s and Matt’s place!  I stayed put to giggle around with him till 1:30am; so much so that the next day, no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t lift my body an inch up off my bed.  Well no, that wasn’t all there is why I was a zombie the following day - when Matt and the rest of the gang drove me home, I stayed up until 5am chatting online with Chelsea.

Childhood sweethearts, partners in crime, best of friends, husband and wife, mom and dad.  All these and more rolled into one – that is how Alex and Chelsea used to be.  During the BBQ party, I asked Alex how things are going between him and his wife; his answer wasn’t that much different from when I talked to him at the clinic when I tagged along with them on Loraine’s check-up.  Well, not so different but there sure is a hint of it.  It wasn’t as sour as it used to sound.  In fact, Alex’s words seem “hopeful” to me.  They texted over the last few days, he said, which is a milestone considering how much trouble has been going on between them.  That same night, I asked Alex if I can be friends with his wife over this social networking site online and Alex readily said yes.  And so I did.

Chelsea turned out to be a sweetheart.  Like me and Loraine, she is such a bubbly and jolly person herself - jolly being an understatement considering how difficult this time could possibly be for her.  She is tough and funny, laughing with me as soon as she accepted my invitation to be friends.  She wasn’t covering up the hatred in her heart but she has her own way of dealing with it with so much grace.  She was so transparent and I truly admire her for that.  When she accepted my invitation she told me, she thought I was Alex’s new/another girlfriend trying to get contact with her and then set the bomb off.  Apparently, that was what Jaz did to her some few months back.  Oh, how I feel so much for Chelsea.  What is so remarkable about this woman is how she managed to retain and hold on to her feelings towards Alex.  As we talk, I sincerely could feel that Chelsea still, unquestionably, loves Alex to pieces.  She keeps telling me to look after him but not to tell him that she told me to do so.  The pain is there, that’s right.  But love is overflowing so that the amount of sorrow is overshadowed and true love radiates and shines like it’s the only thing that matters after all.  Somewhere between the lines, I can’t help but think back about the olden days – when I have to go through almost identical situation as this.  I cannot possibly put into words the amount of pain I felt those days; and unlike Chelsea, I totally gave up on my man.  Looking back, I am so ashamed to realize how much of a coward I was.  Chelsea went through the same heartache and for the same reason three times, and here she is, shouting to the world how she still loves Alex.  I went through it one time, and I gave up in a snap.  When Chelsea cried in the middle of our conversation, I cried silently but harder at my end for two reasons: one, I am overwhelmed with the strength and courage and so much love in Chelsea’s being; and two, I regret the bad decisions I have made in my own time.  For the first time, I was able to muster the courage to utter the word “regret” as I was only in ardent denial all these years whether or not I am regretful of my prior convictions.  I can’t help but ask myself if I indeed had truly and deeply loved Marcus; why it seemed to be so easy for me to give him up – “easy” now I’d say after I witnessed how Chelsea holds on to her feelings towards Alex, inspite of and despite of.

To sigh is what I could only do right now and a little wishful thinking.  

Anyway, how I wish I could tell Alex how very well loved he is by Chelsea – the woman who writes and signs “excuse letters” for him when he skips classes in high school so that he won’t get into trouble with his parents; the woman he calls “Mata (eyes)” because she has distinct big-rounded eyes; the woman who nurtures their only child; the woman who takes everything in, in the name of love; the woman who stood by him despite of being a battered wife; the woman who will understand him when the world refuses to do so; the woman who, amidst all these problems, still thinks of Alex’s being above all; the only woman who will love Alex the way only her can do –   But I cannot.  I couldn’t betray Chelsea. She swore me in not to tell Alex a thing about our conversation.  I readily said yes.   

Though she confessed how much she is missing him, and how much she loves him from day one until after three times of his cheating and betrayal, she simply couldn’t just blurt it out to Alex.  She has to keep it to herself somehow because right now, and I totally agree, Alex doesn’t deserve to know how much she still adores him.  The truth, so sweet and tempting is better left off sitting in a sealed jar.

I was in the verge of hyperventilating again.  Luckily, I was able to grab my bottle of water in time.  When I get to gather myself together, I almost made a vow to find Marcus in my heart once again.  Almost – but I realized, that would be sprinting in a haste; still, I couldn’t find the exact place in my heart where Marcus used to be.  It has been hazy after all these years; I have yet to wait for a little bit more time, I decided.  And maybe, just maybe, I might find that special spot again.  If unfortunately I would not, at least, the next time I fall in love, I would be more giving, more forgiving, and more generous – after all, I realized, that is how we are supposed to give love – unconditionally, unselfishly.

There has been a lot more stories during the entire course of the weekend – the budding friendship I somehow found amongst my newly-met fellows.  I will be sharing them with you over the next few days.

Meantime, here’s a teaser:  Remember Dylan?  The guy who acts like to be gay to me? That guy who impregnated his girlfriend?  Well, he told me that his girlfriend, who is now the mother of his child, is actually married to another guy – legally.  Also, Dylan said, his mom doesn’t approve of his girlfriend to start with, how much more when she learns that his girlfriend is legally married to someone else? He is in despair.

Oh well, I shall see you over here again soon.

 

 

Part 20

The 8-Shaded Rainbow –Part 20

Wherever and Whenever the Rainbow Strikes

Air seeders; huge grain conveyors; rotary hoes; a 375hp tractor plus a 40-kilowatt booster; some humongous grain bins – all sitting still in the middle of the wide-as-the-sky farm land; the newborn baby Hereford twin calves; a downy woodpecker couple; and, a hundred and one robins singing in perfect harmony with the gentle farm breeze making the best melody, soothingly caressing my sleep-deprived limp body.

It was my second visit to the Farm Mansion and above was reason enough for me to drag myself off my bed at eight o’clock in the morning with barely 2hours sleep coming from an unplanned get together, kidnapped by the doorstep by my friends just before midnight earlier that day.

I promised Mr. Ferguson (and the rest of his “staff and crew”) some homemade sushi the next time I come to the farm.  So the day before we went, Noreen and I hit the grocery store and bought everything we needed for the “Sushi Saturday.”  After a couple of hours or so, Sushi slices are beaming in line on plates so colourful, you would want to take pictures with them (like a food garden!) I actually pulled it off, I must say.  With some help from Laura and Noreen, the “Sushi Saturday” was a hit and I was relieved like I was ever.  Finally, time for a little nap!  My eyes were drooping like that of the cartoon character named, oh yes, what else... Droopy of course!  So that the moment my skin touched the edge of the bed covers, I was lured in to own the bed and just like that, I dozed off to dreamland like Aurora (Sleeping Beauty.)

 

Birds – some more singing from the birds.  I was half awake seizing the moment being serenaded by the nature’s choir, unadulterated symphony, nature’s sound is the best music ever made by the Hands of the Master.  And while at it, I let my mind wander around like that “entity” finding its way around the labyrinth.  What is going to happen next?  Where am I headed?  What is going on with whom?  What is waiting right ahead?  What is beyond that wall? What am I here for?

For more than a year of my stay here in Canada, not only have I known myself better; not only have I realized my capabilities over my weaknesses; not only have I known such courage.  I too, have come across individuals with a range of stories to tell - the ladies in that rainbow; the people who somehow highlighted that rainbow; the people who made it more vibrant; the ones who made it dull; the ones who shaped me all along the journey – directly and otherwise.

Noreen, though no one amongst us really knows, I can see her in my wall of “forever;”  we have been through too much already that we almost know each other’s heart and soul.  We certainly didn’t only share Adobo, Sinigang, Salty Eggs, Bilo-Bilo (all are Filipino foods) Angus Beef Grilled Steak; M&M hot wings, but we shared laughter out of triumphs and bloopers; we shared tears both for joy and sorrow; we shared dreams and the same direction towards them; we share our inner thoughts.  We fight because we are two different individuals with different minds; we make up because we are adults and we respect each other.  Most importantly, we love each other like sisters and that is unconditional and non-negotiable.

 

Jeff is my soul mate who couldn’t possibly be my partner.  Nevertheless, I will be “forever” grateful to know such a beautiful soul.  Jeff, once again, sees me through and understands me right on without the need for me to explain my being.  In our lifetime, it is indeed very fortunate of anyone to have the chance to meet someone else who will be there, no matter what; someone who will give you a piggy back ride when you get blisters on your feet; someone who will give you an unsolicited embrace when you are about to fall; someone who will lift you up without the need to ask; someone who will just crack you up when it seems rather hard to smile.  Jeff is all that to me.

Robert, though a bit older, is the most sincere human being I knew.  Like Noreen and Jeff, Robert has touched my life in more ways than he thought he did.  And if only for that, I am totally convinced that Robert is meant to be my friend “forever.”

Maya - yes that is right - the bitchy one.  It might sound a bit off, but her being what she is, is way beyond the friendship we share.  It is indeed true that I am talking about something right around the borderline.  I tell you what though, Maya will be my friend whether she is a bitch or not.  What she is doing right now, is the personal choices she made and definitely beyond and should not be in my control.  Also, you can never choose friends according to idealism, I’m sure.  The twist there I believe, is how you keep yourself sane while being friends with individuals like Maya who is a bit out of bounds and living the life in the fast lane.  Her bitching around is all hers because she is an adult and therefore responsible for her own actions; my friendship with her will remain no matter what, because I don’t speak “Holier than Thou.”

 

Laura is someone I wanted to keep close to my heart.  Her outlook in life is just mazing.  I wish I could even muster even just a fraction of her optimism.  She is such a brave soul and a happy one.  She could dream big at the same time get contented by however little she has.  Such a character!  She laughs about her misfortune; she goofs around her frustrations.  Oh, she is incredible!  And people like Laura; I believe should have be a part of my life, for sure – for inspiration, for motivation, “forever.” 

“What a dream, although I am not asleep.”  I like that part in one of “The Corrs” songs.  I was getting hungry and restless again.  I decided to get up and take a walk.  Instead, Mr. Ferguson took us quad riding coupled with some good education on farming and life.  We took pictures on almost all corners (or areas) of the farm land and speed up our quads letting the wind chase us and pull our hair behind as if to play with the invisible hands of the breeze.  We actually managed to have a walk after the education tour (feels like that); we even had a half a kilometre-run race and saw some wild chickens.

That night, a staff of Mr. Ferguson told us that “Beef” makes women’s boobies bigger.  Isn’t that hilarious?!  No, not really.  When grilled beef patties were ready for dinner, Laura, Noreen and I stuffed ourselves well way too much with a good helping of beef burgers (I’m sure you know why) till I was almost ready to poke my throat out.  Holy Beef!

That night, when we were done goofing around Laura’s room, trying on all her dresses and taking pictures like 3 maniacs, we were in bed for the night when I finally caught another glimpse of the rainbow I was trying to draw – this time however, I am ready to let it draw itself as the days go by and as I recognize the individuals sent upon me either to touch my life or bless me with their friendship.

Huhummmm....BBQ party tonight over Dylan’s!  I can’t wait!

Alex

The 8-Shaded Rainbow –Part 19

aLeX

I am quite obsessive.  I think I have mentioned a thing or two about myself and that in the prior episodes.  I don’t really pay that much attention to things or events happening around me.  But once one thing catches my attention rather upfront, I will be restless for the next days or so.

That seemed to be the case with Alex - the other guy renting another room in Loraine and Mac’s place apart from Ethan.

I met Alex that same time when I met everybody in that off-white duplex.  Standing at about an inch shorter than me, (at least that was what I think) Alex showed every indication of being intimated when he was introduced to me.  I didn’t mind at all.  I was in a wacky mood then and I really don’t pay that much attention to teasing and cupid-playing-roles of friends.  

  

Alex is married to his childhood sweetheart who is now a sales executive back home in the Philippines. They were blessed with a baby boy who is 9 years old now.  How so very ideal.  Well not really.  In fact, what made Alex get into this series-of-circus somehow is the very opposite of whatever being “ideal” means.  

Shortly after I have known Alex alongside the rest, the “confetti” of controversies rained down as if in a scene where a wheel of fortune player hits the jackpot.  I was there, I witnessed it myself.  Alex has a Canadian girlfriend, Jaz, whom I met the very next time I saw Alex – on Jaz’s sister’s birthday party – when on the very same occasion, Alex ditched Jaz for her sister – when on that very same night, on a quick bar gig, Alex saw another girl, (a co-worker) flirted with her, and took her back home along with Jaz’s sister – when all three of them ended up spending the rest of the night altogether in Alex’s room – when Jaz walked her demise out, devastated and totally screwed.

I thought, well, isn’t the Alex-Jaz affair supposed to end anyway?  Not so soon, I reckon.  The next time I was in the duplex for Jeff’s birthday party, Alex and Jaz are together, sweeter than ever, as if a budding teenage affair.

From then on, there’s none of another instance when I don’t see them together – until yesterday.

Loraine is having her first of the last two check-ups before the baby pops.  And since I work earlier than ever these days, I finish earlier than ever as well; meaning, I was able to tag along.  Alex is driving.  When Loraine gets in the clinic to see her OB-Gynaecologist, I took all the time in the world to have a little one-on-one personal talk with Alex.  I apologized for the last time I meddled in his and Jaz’s fight. (Well, Jeff and I did.)  It was a past issue but I feel like I have to say it one last time to seal it off; and, so I may be able to get into the core of my quest.  Some ulterior motive huh?  And so we are okay.  I then deliberately asked Alex how things are between him and his “legal wife.”  Alex told me, it is over.  Of course my eyebrows arched!  Oh no, not the overrated word again!  I can forgive the celebrities with all their universal answers to questions like that of a template, but Alex here?  Come on, man. 

Surprisingly, Alex confided rather unselfishly and breathed out everything like I was paying him.   This is the third time he cheated on her wife - twice in the Philippines and now here.  He told me that his wife, very recently, asked of him to just let her go now; that, she wanted to be happy.  She even told Alex that through all the years of their married life, she has never ever been happy.  Alex curled all the pride he has in his petite structure; he tried to win her back many times he told me, but he failed.  I told him, it must not be enough.  Most of the time, us girls, especially when we were hurt so badly, we wanted greater effort, we wanted “EFFORT” – and effort has a very technical definition to us as well.  When men try so hard, we wanted them to try the hardest; when men say sorry, we wanted them to be on their knees; when men admit to their mistakes, we wanted them to take the sin of the world; when men give a stem of flower, we wanted a couple of dozens more; when men cry, we wanted blood for tears; when men try to win us back, we turn away, hoping and praying in our hearts that they will come running behind; when they don’t, we cry for decades like it’s the end of the world happening every day.

Alex is still with Jaz to this day.  Jaz is very young and therefore, impulsive.  She did everything she could to win Alex.  Somehow, she found a way to get in contact with Alex’s wife – and when she did, she told his wife that she is in love with Alex and even told her that as they talk, she is in the same room with Alex.  That was the last incident – the trigger.  Alex’s wife is asking for space now and nothing Alex can do that will ever alter her decision.

 

I asked Alex about Jaz and what is it between them.  Caught like rabbit on the road about to be hit by a fast car, Alex smiled sheepishly and answered that way. I could be so dumb but there’s no way I wouldn’t understand what that smile entails.  Sex – is all that Jaz matters about.  In Alex’s words, he didn’t ask of her to be with him, she pushed herself in.  The nagging voice in my head says, Jaz wouldn’t be there if Alex doesn’t give her a reason or two to stay.

To have been in the same spot at one point in my life, I have all my heart for Alex’s wife.  Jaz is such a pleasant girl but what she did is absolutely wrong.  Although I can’t help my finger, so forceful like having a mind of its own, pointing only to no one but ALEX.

All that being said and done, Alex remains a friend.  These might be a turning point in this self-confessed playboy’s life who, as I look into his eyes, still cares so much about his wife.  The mere fact that he admitted being derailed and being sorry about it makes him human.  I hope he would soon be able to reconcile with himself and the decisions that he make because to do so would make him more of a man.